Monday, July 11, 2011

Uranus Retrograde 4.34

...and speaking of Uranus...

Of all asinine things I've been curious about, I've had a long curiosity about getting a colonic. Maybe because I’m a Scorpio, and it rules the excretory organs or maybe because I’m a sun and moon in the 6th house, and have a fascination with health and a commitment to being a germaphobe…. Whatever the case, it just sounds smart…but of course, I’m vain, so I needed a bigger motive to get on it, and that came by way of a convo at a party, when talking to girl that worked at a colonic clinic, that told me people lose weight from it and she even had someone drop close to 20 lbs after their first visit! Holy shit!!!! With that, I was sold!

FF to months later…

Obviously, despite my curiosity, I was in no rush. Then fate intervened, by way of Lifebooker, a Groupon type of thing, but with a focus on beauty treatments. I had signed up to get lash extensions and loved it, so when a few weeks passed and I saw the deal for 50% off a colonic, instinctively I knew it was my time. I clicked. I bought….

…And then a few more weeks passed until I finally got around to making that appointment and to my shock, found out they were booked weeks in advance! Who would of known there’d be waiting list for this? …and ironically the date I wound up getting was just two days post Uranus going retrograde, how apropos…

So, as the time drew closer, there was prep work to do, like two days of cleansing with no sugar, processed foods, dairy or the shit people like to eat. I did okay on that, slipping up only on the sugar rule, but not two hours prior, which was suppose to be a more crucial time to stick to the program…but even despite it all, I didn’t really think about the procedure. Yes, I thought about the results, but not about the process, AKA things being prodded up my ass…. Then, I walked into their office, and one of the first things I noticed was a doctor's name plaque in the reception room and crazy-crazy, the name was exactly the same as mine with just one added syllable at the end!!!!!!!!! This is when it struck me, that I could be heading into choppy waters…. I mean what in the Twilight Zone hell was I heading into!!!!!!!!!!????????

Too bad, quickly and anti-climatically, I found out that doctor was only in the same office, not the colonic person at all…Instead, lucky me, I got Marie, an awesome lady that instantly felt like my friend. She was personable, easy-going and knowledgeable. She was way into what she was doing, living a healthy lifestyle herself and this was her path. She knew it and believed in it. To her, sticking shit up people’s assess was just a normal part of her day, so that level of comfort was there and I totally appreciated it…and I knew I liked her right away, when I asked if I could take pics and she happily agreed, excited to see my “enthusiasm.”

…. So, as it began, she gave me the run through of the process — but no matter how much prepping she could of gave, there was no way I was ever going to be ready, as I totally squealed like a pig going off to slaughter when she stuck it in. It was fast, instant and up too far for any anal gag reflex to pop it out, and it burned, burned hotter than any day I could remember, and its sting felt endless…Yes, I wanted to call it quits right there, but failure was no option. Instead, I just had to take it and relax — which was no easy feat…and I didn’t even understand the logistics of it all either, with one small tube inserted in that shoots the liquids in, while another bigger tube that is about 1.5 inches wide releasing the fluids with all the gunk out. I knew they were in the same place, but how were they being separated, I couldn’t even figure... but, I was in no place to have full brain function anyway. Instead, I just did what I was told and kept the mood light. We talked astrology, our lives, our careers, our diets, etc. Yes, we talked like we were having coffee, but I was the only one slurping it up through my ass, because no joke, the grand finale was a coffee enema….

….The entire procedure took about an hour…I started on my side, then had to maneuver to my back, tubes and all. Liquids going through me all the while, but since it’s at body temp, I hardly felt it. Instead, I mostly just felt bloating, cramping, pressure and stretching, as the various shades of brown flowed from the tube with random bits and pieces filtering out …Yes, I did feel like I had to poop all the while, but had to hold back the need to push, which was way harder than I thought…and at some point, I felt like my legs were going numb, like when I get drunk off cheap tequila, but Marie assured me it was just my body detoxing…

…Overall though, nothing came out of me that was so unexpected…. Marie did say with others though, she’s seen all sorts of insanity come out — from tar-like-sludge to a worm!!!!!! OMG, I can’t even imagine…. Thankfully, that wasn't me and anyways, turns out I’m more of gas bag than a shit hag, so not much of a show, but yikes, the price of admission was a bit much, if a little unnecessary to learn that...of course, a prostate could of changed everything...


4 comments:

Magpie said...

"turns out I’m more of gas bag than a shit hag" lol
.love the rainbow colonic slideshow too. classy.

Anonymous said...

yes, the colonic slideshow with rainbows really is a very nice added touch.

Anonymous said...

So Kiki! What were the results AFTER?? Did you FEEL better? Was it WORTH the torture? Inquiring minds want to KNOW! Are you going to get another in the future?? Yes and love the slide show!..lol

Kiki T. said...

I would never do it again, ever!